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Opinion Columnists Jeff Petersen's columns The exploding Christmas gift
The exploding Christmas gift
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Wonder Woman Inc. c/o Winkem, Blinkem and Nod Law Firm 555 Central Park-Ing Garage New York, NY 55555-5555
published Thursdays in the La Grande Observer. Come up with your own term for “your girlfriend,” you dirty, lowdown, flea-infested copy cat. Have a nice Christmas!!! Cordially, Will Winkem Winkem, Blinkem and Nod
OK, henceforth the “character with character” formerly known as Wonder Woman will be referred to in this space as the Pterrific Pterodactyl. At least for this week. Remember, the Ps are silent, an unusual occurrence in today’s noisy world. This week Pterrific, who like her namesake has a large wingspan and keen eyesight, was instrumental is showing me the importance of Super Glue. I also learned that doing the right thing is not often easy but always satisfying. The event was full-contact Christmas shopping. It was the last weekend before the holiday, and we headed to the mall early to “beat the crowds.” Apparently every man, woman, child and Chihuahua in the Northwest were bent on beating the crowds. Before we knew it, we were swept into a current of shoppers. Carried along on the flow, we passed shop after shop crammed with essential Christmas goodies like singing bass and turkey “gobbler calls.” I struggled to get Pterrific to stop and check out these items, but she was on a mission. Finally we were able to separate ourselves from the mooing herd and entered a store in search of the perfect gift. Family is a top priority for Pterrific, and gift giving is an art. Her list, if stretched to its full length, could have reached from the store to the car and back, even though the car was not parked in the same time zone. Soon we were gathering gift-buying momentum. The first major find was a step stool for a 1 3/4-year-old great-if-not-spectacular niece who is in an exciting stage of potty training. I cradled the would-be purchase in my right arm. Other gifts were dangling from my left. Suddenly the top step came loose and the stool crashed to the floor in five pieces. I was horrified. I wanted to get away as soon as possible. I followed Pterrific as she scrambled toward the exit. But then she stopped at the front counter and told a harried clerk of the need for “Clean up on Aisle 9.” While I sweated bullets and even a few beebees, the clerk wished us a Merry Christmas and told us not to worry. We got other, better gifts for our Elmo-loving great-niece. None of them require glue. Happy holidays, everyone!
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