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Home arrow Opinion arrow Jeff Petersen: ON SECOND THOUGHT arrow Caveman holiday

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Caveman holiday

If you want the perfect gift for the man in your life this Christmas season, skip the cologne and sweater.

Build him a Man Cave.

Since the beginning of civilization, which occurred several thousand or billion years ago depending on your source, man has needed a place to retreat.

The Man Cave is a private place — say, a den, a converted garage or maybe an outbuilding still in the same area code as the house. It’s a place for him to retreat. It’s a place to get peace of mind with his buddies screaming, burping and farting about some Game of the Century, often involving the Seattle Seahawks.

Because Matt Hasselbeck is the Seahawk quarterback, the room will also need to be soundproof. That way, his heckling and catcalls won’t scare, or permanently scar, the children or pets.

The cave should include a TV, preferably a 60-inch flat screen with a hemi, and several speakers capable of making as much noise as a jet plane.

The Man Cave will include no candles — even in the case of a power outage — and not be beautified in any way. It will be dark. It will be dank. It will include, as a centerpiece, a manly giant La-Z-Boy, bar stools, a small refrigerator and probably a dead zoo, featuring a deer rack, an elk rack and a mounted badger and wolverine.

Once the Man Cave is set up, the other household members will need to learn the 999 Man Rules, amendments and subsections, governing Christmas.

Here are a few Man Rules:

• Shopping for a list including 10 people should take no more than 10 minutes — tops.

• Likewise, choosing Christmas cards can be done on a walk by. No standing still fanning yourself with the card to see which is most magical. Just make sure the card says Merry Christmas and not Happy Birthday unless it says Happy Birthday, Jesus. Then it’s OK.

• No handling firearms around Christmas music. Replacing loudspeakers can be expensive.

• A holiday is not officially a holiday if you don’t gain 10 pounds.

• Drink as much eggnog as possible.

• Put gravy on everything, even pumpkin pie.

• Always make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes.

• Fruitcake makes a great door stopper.

• If you’re going to sing, sing loud and with gusto.

• A long-sleeve shirt makes a great hankie.

• Christmas dinner must come from a four-legged critter and not be feather meat.

• No drooling over the ham.

• Never, ever save wrapping paper.

• The dog should not be fed ornaments, stockings or tinsel, no matter how hungry he looks.

• Shoveling snow is not good exercise, or weight training. Get the biggest turbochraged snow blower in the neighborhood, preferably one with a hemi.

• Naps are important.

• Every kiss begins not with some shiny object from a chain jewelry store but with eggnog.

• A car makes a great Christmas gift only if it is paid for in cash.


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